August 5, 2025
Gaithersburg, MD--First, I want to say that I am writing this month’s article from scratch. No artificial intelligence or help from some other computer program. These are my own words and thoughts, based on my own memory, or what is left of it, from actual conversations, observations or incidents that I have had at settlement over my 40-year real estate settlement attorney career.
1. How is it that the basement never leaked for the entire 30 years that the Seller owned the house, but then the day after settlement, a slight rainstorm caused massive flooding through the foundation?
2. At the settlement table on a $1,850,000 house, we spent over an hour arguing over a broken toilet handle, which I am certain that I could have driven over to the house and replaced myself in that time period, and it would have cost me about $20 in parts. And I know, it’s the principle of the matter, or so both sides argued for a full hour.
3. When the Buyer shows up with a personal check for $73,567 from Silicon Valley Bank, why are they surprised when I tell them that I cannot take it? “No really, I promise you this check is good” is right up there with the dentist promising, “This won’t hurt a bit.”
4. I periodically get calls from buyers who want to know what this foreclosure notice is. “Have you made a payment?” I would ask. To which they reply, “I’ve been out of town all summer and haven’t been checking my mail.”
5. “You mean I can’t take the rose bushes out of the back yard? My mom gave them to me, and I already dug them up and transplanted them to the new house. Along with the magnolia bush. And the chandelier in the dining room. I didn’t want to leave that behind. You know, that belonged to my great great grandmother!”
6. Why is it that I am often the last one to be told that the parties modified the contract to include a $3000 closing cost credit? And it is usually as we are preparing the final settlement documents that someone remembers to tell us.
7. “Do you mind if we bring our three sick kids to settlement? They just feel horrible, and they all have the same stomach virus. But don’t worry, it’s not contagious. And do you have someone who can keep an eye on them while we sign the papers?”
8. The purchase price of the house is $2,500,000 and the loan amount is over $2,000,000, but the Buyer has to sign a statement explaining why their $12.87 JC Pennys bill from 1989 was two weeks late.
9. I know that all three of the other houses on our street sold last month for $750,000, but ours is much better because we really really take care of our house better than anyone else. You know the Smith’s weren’t as neat as we are. So, if you won’t list it for $899,000, then we will just find another Realtor to list it.
10. Why is it that the Buyer walks into your open house, you explain all of the agency relationships, they assure you that they are not working with a Realtor, you spend days putting the deal together, and then Uncle Fred shows up and announces that he would like to be paid a commission, or the deal is off?
11. “What do you mean my husband has to be here at closing? He told me I could sign everything for him. I do it all of the time, and I can forge his signature perfectly!”
12. “I am sorry that we are an hour late for the 6 PM Friday night settlement, but we were sooooo hungry that we stopped at McDonalds Drive Thru, and you wouldn’t believe how long the line was. So we just brought our dinner in with us. Care for a French fry? “
13. We can’t miss any work during the week, and my daughter has a travel softball tournament on Saturday and Sunday. How does 8 a.m. on Sunday morning sound for a settlement time? And could you have your staff there? The receptionist and paralegal have been soooo nice and we really wanted to meet them!
14. The Seller’s ex-boyfriend fire-bombed the house on the day before settlement, but the Seller had already cancelled her homeowner’s insurance. Is that a problem?
15. Thank you for spending the last year showing us 52 houses, but the more we think about it, we just don’t really want to move. And can you cancel the listing on our house, too? But can we keep the brochures you printed, because we really like the pictures that you took and the pictures and videos from the drone photography that you paid for. Love those, too. Can you send us the link to them?
16. We think we have found three houses that we would like to see. Can you show them to us? I know that they are in three different Counties, but it’s such a pretty day for a drive.
17.My husband just took an online business law power point class that lasted almost an entire hour! He wants to review all of the documents before we sign. Word by word.
That should just about cover one year of stories and observations. In my next article, we will be pick up on the other 39 years.
David Parker is an attorney and the Managing Director of Village Settlements-an Atlantic Closing and Escrow Company. His columns have appeared regularly in local newspapers, magazines, and newsletters. He is the co-author of the book, “Real Estate Practice in DC, Maryland and Virginia.” If you have a topic that you would like him to write about, he can be reached at dparker@villagesettlements.com
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